Dying to Self

Dying to self. It's something we who follow Christ are called to do. It's a simple concept but, difficult to apply and live. We westernize it with self-denying actions similar to giving up something for Lent and assume we are living out the true calling. We have no idea what it means to die to self. We miss the mark yet, declare ourselves acceptable. Acceptable to who? God? Certainly not.

Some of us wonder. Did Christ die to self? Even though He was fully God He was also fully man so, did He die to self outside of the obvious acceptance of death by execution? If He did die to self, did Christ truly anguish and suffer? Did He really wrestle with His calling to take on our punishment for the sake of God's truths, God's plan, God's desires? Was He lonely or disillusioned? Confused? Hurting? Angry? Frustrated? Wanting to walk away? Did He want to give up and leave every hateful, arrogant, selfish, lazy, self-righteous, sinful person right where he or she was? Was He unsure? Did He want to insist His righteousness? Did He yearn to defend Himself when falsely accused? I think 'yes' to all.

Yes because, without the emotional struggle, His passion for God is not persuasive. Yes because God's love must be so compelling that it defines God and is the reason to endure. God's truth must be the only standard for truth to allow self to be condemned. Yes because without the struggle there is no relation between God and man; no compassion. No sympathy. No understanding. Yes because without the struggle there cannot be, "Forgive them Father because they don't know what they're doing." Without the struggle He cannot be our complete substitute and be fully man while being fully God - the true Alpha and Omega; the first and the last - nothing below Him and nothing above Him. Without the struggle He cannot require us to daily die to ourselves; our wants. Our goals. Our desires. Our safety. Our agendas. Our dreams. Our ideas and expectations. Our realities.

I have heard many people preach that Christ experienced everything we experienced so, He fully understands what it's like to be human. I have heard that many of our battles with self are fought on the final battlefield of our minds. Without the struggle over dying to self then Christ would not have wrestled with thoughts in His mind and not have been fully human. However, I believe He was in fact fully human and fully God so therefor, I now think that Jesus died to self on a daily basis. If He Himself had not done so, He could not require it from us. Since He requires it then, He has completed it.

Since late 2013 into early 2014, God has been revealing His plan for our community to me and others. Throughout this time, He has spoken through His Word both read and through others' teaching, and through those who have been compelled to share it with me. Sometimes non-believers, in the midst of a conversation, have uttered parts of the very Scripture I am reading. God first spoke through Luke 20, Isaiah 8, Psalm 118 and Ezekiel 37 among others. Mainly, Psalm 118 became the vision for the process I was to witness and walk through. Ezekiel 37 became the awakening of the community members and joining them back into a complete body.

More than that, I felt as if God was going to make these words real for me, giving personal meaning to the words and making my faith alive and tangible. I was excited because, after reading everything He gave me, listening for further revelation or confirmation, I thought I understood how everything would unfold. And yet, I also knew that perception wasn't accurate because I could no more box-up God than I could fit the Pacific Ocean into a plastic cup.

Throughout the last two years of our community process, we had success at seemingly impossible moments. Even when the enemy was so corrupt and manipulative, God gave us success. Even though the moments were somewhat of an emotional struggle, the wins came easily. Too easily. Overall, those of us standing together as community were not battle tested and ready to endure; ready to die to self in order to benefit the greater good. Our fellow supporters weren't strong enough or motivated enough to endure a real struggle.

And so the struggle came. A vicious, hateful, corrupt onslaught proving our community army was not fit for battle. People gave up. Sat down. Turned around. Were indifferent. Walked away. We were outnumbered and loathed by the more motivated and practiced enemy. A handful of community warriors remained and they stood with us in an out-matched battle against those that oppose the community.

During the entire time, Christ's life in Scripture played over and over and over in my head like a movie or a song stuck in your brain. Verses came to mind or people brought them to me. When my friend Ora pulled me from a public hearing to share what God placed burning in her heart, I knew then we would suffer a loss. It was to be the day of our disaster - my disaster - and it was ordained by God Himself. Ordained. He allowed this. This was all orchestrated by God. How could this be, when He promised a different future? Why? As much as I wrestled, it was His plan and now I had a choice. Accept defeat; accept God's plan or walk away. When I accepted God's call to be with Him in life, the call wasn't for only the easy and fabulous things. I cannot pick and choose the best and leave the tough things for someone else. It was time to accept the full calling of God for our community. Drink the cup or walk into the night. I chose to drink the cup. If not, I too would walk away from God. I too would be Terah and only go halfway leaving the person to follow me to handle the tougher things and become Abraham. If I walked away from God, then what is my witness? Where is my faith in God that He can fulfill what He said He would do? Where is my faith knowing that God is greater than all of "this now allowed" route to the promised-land outcome?

To compound matters, my local reputation that I worked towards for 15 years was under attack. I was publicly being accused of wrongdoings that I had not done. I was being hounded by my enemies which grew larger by the day, mostly with people I didn't know. People spoke about me through conspiracies, as if they knew me personally and were aware of things I supposedly did, things I supposedly said, things my company was supposedly doing. As if they were in our meetings, in my house, and in my head. The newspaper and social media were relentless as I, my employer, our team, the pillars in our community, our project were all vilified. We were in the midst of Pink Floyd's "Lunatic".

Pink Floyd "Brain Damage" (The Lunatic)

And yet, I knew God's plan, His plan for our community, its people long oppressed, hopeless, shortsighted, indifferent or unaware. His great love which manifests itself into patience, endurance, mercy, forgiveness and generosity. His love for those that rebel against Him and exercise that rebellion on me, on others involved in the process, on all of us, on the community God is releasing.

Daily I prayed. I wish I could say that I prayed fervently, willingly, without wavering or doubting; praying with the right heart. I cannot. Some days my prayer was simply acceptance that God's will was different than mine and then manage to get to my first meeting or to the office.

I was tired, hurt, angry, disillusioned, wanting to give up and let happen what would happen; give people the big salute and say, "Sleep in the bed you made; I'm outta here!"

I was worried I had misinterpreted God two years ago and misrepresented Him to others in the community. During the process, my biggest fear was misrepresenting God and making my agenda "His plan". I asked God to ensure that I didn't do that because I didn't want to compromise who He is to our community. For those who believed in His plan, I was worried people would lose faith in God and walk away from Him. Maybe if I worked harder, it would help. But the deep waters of the evil intentions of the enemies' hearts engulfed me; engulfed all of us. I was drowning. In fact, for three months prior to the vote, to end the first effort, I had regularly occurring dreams that I was drowning. A person whom I thought was more a believer than not, more supporting of our effort than not, posted on social media a dream she had about a man and baby drowning, and that post struck me. Her dream was for our community, for her and for me. I asked God for the interpretation of Mary's dream and shared it with her. She received it however, since that time, she appears to have moved into the camp of those who oppose the community. Plus, I didn't quite interpret Mary's dream sufficiently because she correctly saw our effort drown in the overwhelming, evil intentions of those working to oppose our efforts. Shortly afterwards, our effort's neck was broken. We all had hoped those voting on this plan would choose humanity over self and that our efforts would save the project from dying but, they did not.

In the public hearings, I sat numb trying to block out the words of the opposed as I watched the battle. Seeing people sign up to stand with the community only to show up at the front line, see the fierce enemy and walk away. Seeing people who I thought were battle hardened walk away leaving the community to fend for itself. Others sat quietly hoping to blend into the shadows of the seats and auditorium. A few brave people stood up to speak and that so encouraged everyone. Some were brave enough to challenge the enemy; they had no regard for self but for benefiting others. Their challenge was quite the rebuke to those that oppose and to those that retreated.

Honestly, I was disappointed in the community for a victory was given to us but, we did not grasp what was given to us and willingly handed it over to those that hate the inclusive community. We gave away what was our gift from God. We were the Israelites that were afraid to walk into the promise land that God was delivering to us but, for Caleb and Joshua who were ready to fight and trusted in God's ability over that of man's. I had to admit that I too was disillusioned with God. Why did He allow this to happen amidst His plan for freeing the community? Why did He allow me and others to see a different and better outcome? And, "I knew He would drag this process out to accomplish something in me and in the community." Thankfully, God had not abandoned me in the process leaving me decaying in these thoughts. The words He gave Ora to share with me rolled over and over in my head. "You did everything I asked of you." So, I took comfort and knew God knew right where I was. Just like Jesus knew His followers were in the boat doing what He asked. (Matthew 14: 22-33) The funny thing about this realization, it was a fulfilled prayer in 2014 because I had asked God to call me out of the boat onto the waters and here I was now complaining that He called me out. And so, I drank the cup of acceptance; acceptance for this part in the process.

Hillsong United "Oceans"

Frequently I remember the dream I had several years ago (probably over five years ago) when Jesus appeared asking me to join Him in a fiery, consuming battle on earth where the billowing smoke from each army was engulfing the other army. He was seated on a horse-like creature with large wings and numerous people where also seated on similar animals beside Him; too many to number. I felt a presence that the same line up was beside me and looking confirmed that I was alongside Jesus in this line-up of warriors. I told Him "no" as the battle looked so fierce and frightening and I loved the place where I was, with Him. Yet, the look on His face pierced my heart as He looked so disappointed in me for answering "no". Thankfully - truly thankfully - He asked a second time and this time I said "yes" adding quid pro quo conditions that He never leave my side and I never leave His. That He stay with me at all times because I could not battle without Him. At once, we and His army descended into the battle and I woke up.

After this community hearing process, I realized that Jesus answered that condition - my ballsy quid pro quo - and He never left me during the battle. Never. In fact He increased His presence with me. He continued to speak through Scripture. He sent friends to encourage me, be with me, stand with me, sit with me, testify for the project. He gave me a loving, supportive family. I have bosses and peers who share the burden as we lighten each other's loads; we had one another's backs. Everywhere I turned it seemed people reminded me of God's plan and His ability to win. Reminded me that this was not over and told me, we had not failed but, faithfully served God and community. We were all enduring the same battle together and it became communitas instead of just community. It seemed as if the death of the plan was becoming the catalyst of an awakening to a newness in life within the community. A resurrection was beginning and I was not alone nor a failure.

This was opposite of what Jesus endured. While I enjoyed companionship and encouragement through the battle, Jesus accepted His calling as a man drinking the many cups of acceptance while struggling through the emotions and circumstances of His ministry to the point of sweating blood on His final night. This is when He agreed to accept the ultimate cup of God's wrath poured for all of us and He drank that cup, knowing He would be alone for this final action. With that acceptance, He knew He would be hunted, falsely accused, publicly humiliated, stripped of reputation, family, friends, followers and His clothes, brutally beat and tortured before being executed in a way that allowed Him to be aware of His circumstance as He died. That is when I realized that my "dying to self" was not at the intensity of Jesus's dying to self as He walked His final leg of His calling all alone and abandoned. And, at the final trial and execution, He did it without God's presence and THAT is where I know that Jesus's commitment to God is stronger than anything we will ever have in this life. He is the complete Alpha and Omega. He is truly, fully man and fully God. When He asks us to die to self, He experienced a depth of dying that we will not have to endure because He endured it for us. I can honestly say that I am ever grateful my calling was not to walk a path alone and abandoned. To have accepted God's calling and gone without support from God or without hearing Him speak encouragement, I would have gone mad or died under the strain or both.

This is why I claimed to have slightly tasted what it means to die to self, mirroring the path of Christ in some very small way. This experience is a gift to better understand what Jesus endured for us out of love for God and God's love for us. To truly love God through loving others unconditionally over self. He shared with me what it is like to place benefiting others over self so I could understand that reality and depth of love I am to have and that He has for me and... for others.

This gives weightier meaning to the most important command of God - Love God with all of your heart, mind, soul and strength and, love others as yourself. "Our belief in and love for God will be measured by our ability to put others in place of ourselves. If we really love God and appreciate what He has done for us then we will be willing to extend the same benefit towards others, even those that do not love us because God loved us first and loved us when we were unlovable." (Rose's paraphrase.) As Jesus's brother James said, "Show me your faith without deeds (actions) and I will show you my faith by what I do (how I live my life)." James 2:18

It's why Jesus paired both Love God-Love Others together as one command. Out of the "top 10" and all of the other commands in the Jewish Law - some 600+ total commands - Jesus said two points define our faith and should be the lens by which we view all other commands and measure our faith. Anyone can "love God with all of his/her heart". As I've heard Andy Stanley state several times, "loving God" can be a personal thing between you and God where no one can judge the reality of that belief. Anyone can say she loves God then go about her life as she chooses. We cannot question her validity of her "love God completely" because we cannot see her heart. However, Jesus said that loving others over self is equal-to in weight of importance as loving God completely and, it indicates to others the depth of how you love God. Loving other indicates the quality of your love for God. Now a person can witness the quality of your love for God by your life's actions to benefit others over self.

If you really believe in and love God then people should see the evidence in your life.The quality of that evidence, of that love, will be measured by how you love others. Jesus also said that loving those who love you is easy and says nothing about the quality of your love. Yet, loving those that hate and persecute you - loving your enemies - that speaks to the quality of your love for God and gives evidence that God's ability to love is within you. To do this means that you love like God loves. (Matthew 5:43-48)

It's why I continued to ask fellow believers and my prayer partners to help me pray for those who seem to be my enemies. I knew we were called to love this way and I knew that God loves those who are my enemies and the enemies of the inclusive community as much as He loves me and those that believe in Him. If a person says he or she follows God, then you must follow His examples, His lead.

If we really believe in God, if we really love Him, and if we really trust Him with our lives believing He wants the best for us. If we really believe in His truths and we desire to have this belief manifest itself into actions in our lives, then we will place benefiting others over our own agenda for personal happiness, successful and safe lives. We will trust God's truths at our very core knowing that He can fulfill His promises. This is the basis for dying to self in order to benefit others over self.

For me, this wasn't a powerful or undeniable emotion of trust. I wish I could say it was. To be honest, my acknowledgement of trust and belief in God and His promises was based on a logical choice with a plea to tie the emotion of trust to that logical choice. My base knowledge of who God is, who He is not, His promises and revelation for our community were all learned-based and not some mystical emotion or overwhelming feeling. This choice was a result of learning who God is, who He is not and His truths of which I trust. It was the rock foundation built over time and life and I was forced to stand on it as the promise, when the emotions swirling around me were saying something completely different. This learned experience is illustrated in Matthew 7:24-27, where one man builds his house on a rock, solid foundation and one man builds his house on top of sand. When the storm came - because the storms of life always come - the house built on a solid foundation withstood the storm while the house built on the sand was washed away. This parable of trust became real to me.

I also felt like I could not turn back from my belief and trust in God even when the immediate circumstances were saying otherwise. There was too much evidence in my life and even during those circumstances that proved God's existence, His love, His trustworthiness, His abilities to fulfill His promise. Mostly, too much evidence proving His presence with and love for me. Evidence that He speaks to me and that God is who He said He is. If I were to turn away from a life with God, then what would life be without Him? Just as John 6:60-69 illustrates where Jesus has just further defined what following Him is to be like and His explanation seems hard to accept, many of His student followers (disciples) walk away. Yet, the 12 main disciples stay saying, "Lord; who are we going to follow now? You have the answers to life." (Rose's paraphrase) I was in the middle of the ocean, in the middle of the night, in the middle of a storm and I needed to either continue to go forward or go back and going back wasn't an option for me because life without God is no life at all. Matthew 14:22-34 became real to me and I remembered my prayer request in 2014 to join Him on the water as Peter did. This result was actually a gift from God to me. He called me out upon the waters where my faith had to become limitless. God was faithful and answered my prayer and suddenly I realized, I reacted no differently than Peter did. "Oh me of little faith."

David Crowder "I Am"

So, I sat within the emotional chaos that looked like failure, where the vicious attacks resembled sharks picking off passengers floating in the water as the ship sank. Logically, I sorted through the chaos looking for Jesus, measuring things against who God is, who He is not, and the scriptural promises. When Ora passed along God's message of, "You've done everything I asked of you," I knew that dying to self was not over. The ship would sink. The project would die, and that was God's plan... for now.

Mary's dream was correct. My dreams were correct. We were to drown in the sea of evil intent. I had hoped that God would rescue us before going under but going under needed to happen. God is going to use the public drowning for His good and bring about His promised plan. Remember? With God, there is resurrection and beauty from death. At least, that is my hope anchored on His revelation and His truths. In the meantime, I drink each cup of dying to self placed in front of me.

I don't want to drink these cups. I don't want to be kind to my enemies. I don't want to show them mercy, compassion, respect, patience. I want them to get caught doing the hateful acts they perpetrate on others. Yet, God loves them too. He loved me when I was and am hateful. He loves me when I'm self absorbed. He loved me enough to call me from a life leading to death to join Him in real life. And so, I must love them. I must show respect and patience and be polite and inclusive. I must treat them as I want and desire to be treated. I must model what I want to see in them. Although in my mind I am justified to throw the rock, I must put the rock down and forgive.

That is loving others over self. That is dying to my agenda and placing their benefit in a priority position. In the short term, I show them respect and welcome them into the process. In the long term, I try to separate my hate for the evil intent from the people imparting that hate who may ultimately benefit from our efforts. When God resurrects it and, as a result, these "enemies" may choose life with God which is His desire, I want to be able to embrace that moment with them, if I'm allowed to share it or witness it. I want to be able to celebrate that victory with God knowing how excited He will be that more of His created children chose life with Him rather than death without Him.  And so, I choose to lay my agenda of self preservation down. If this is what it takes, I'll do it. Reluctantly? Struggling all the way? Most certainly! Complaining to God? You betcha!

But, I am asking God to align my heart and thoughts with His, to help me navigate this course; help me present good decisions to my employer, family, community and fellow believers. Help me represent God well. When it's time to defeat the enemy, God needs to direct that - not me. God needs to end the fast in the desert, not me. God needs to say "Go!" not me. He's moving, although I cannot see clearly. He is putting the necessary pieces into place to fulfill His plan and I'm on a "need to know" basis. When I "need to know," He will tell me. I must accept that.

This is why Jesus always said He only told people what God told Him to tell; only did the things God told Him to do. Was it a struggle? The desert and the garden say, "Yes." The trial and the execution for crimes He did not commit say, "Yes." The family thinking He was losing His mind; the neighbors wanting to push Him over a cliff all say, "Yes." His calling was as much a human struggle as we experience. So when He asks God in Psalm 69:22-28 to blot the names out (of God's book of life) of those who are His enemies, I take great comfort that the Lord Jesus Christ knows exactly how I feel, what I am going through, where I am in this process and, I relish that He has not abandoned me to die in this process.

This process gift of placing others over self and dying to self came during our Lenten season and the death of our plan came during our Easter month. The resurrection to a newness of life is happening coinciding with the resurrection-to-Pentecost time frame. All of these coincidences are not lost on me, as I know they are not coincidental but intentional. We are acting out Psalm 118 and we are living through Exodus 13:13-14:4 and Ezekiel 37:1-8. The funny thing is, I recently saw a note written in my Bible remembering that Psalm 118 is a ritual Psalm that is to be acted out as well as recited. It's to be a pageant and so, we are literally living out Psalm 118. It's a hymn of thanksgiving for deliverance from enemies and obviously, we have yet to be delivered. Yet.

Just as the enemy thought that the death of Jesus solved their issues with Him by ending the Jesus movement, the resurrection changed everything.

And so I wait and take comfort that He knows I reluctantly choose to die to self. Wait for God to move. Wait for the whale to spit us out onto the shore alive. Wait for God to draw us out of the water and breathe life into us. We will be different when we emerge. We will have conquered death through His life. And finally, the entire community will be able to walk into a new life. I look forward to that day.

Addendum:
April 30, 2016

I began this journal while on vacation March 22, 2016 as a way to move forward from the death of our effort's process. As I was working through the thoughts over the last 40 days (40... that's funny, God. A 40 day fast in the dessert), I shared thoughts with my Wednesday morning prayer group and shared some smaller thoughts with others. As a result, my friend Jacob Larson, the Community Pastor at The Vineyard Church of Gainesville, invited me to share with his church on April 17th. This is what Jacob and I shared.

"City Dwelling" Podcast on April 17, 2016
Note: It takes 15 seconds for the audio to work because the microphone was on mute. My part begins at 24:00 minutes.

Also, as I was journaling, God was confirming the message of dying to self through Pastor Andy Stanley of North Point and several series of his, that I was listening to during the time.

Brand New

The N Commandments
Comment added on 5/17/2016: 
On Monday, May 16, 2016, I listened to the "Doubt Not" message from the "N Commandment" series. At Anthem Church in Gainesville, the "Doubt Not" message was given on Sunday, 5/15 and due to a family event out of state, I missed church and missed this message. Wanting to listen to it, I played it on Monday morning as I did my hair and make-up which is my routine to listen to messages as I get ready in the morning. This "Doubt Not" message added a huge punctuation onto this understanding about Dying to Self and what I journaled. This is an example showing how God speaks to me - to any of us - and how I hear Him teach me through others and His Word. 

"Doubt Not" by Andy Stanley of North Point Church


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